Helping Your Military Child Say Goodbye to Childhood Friends

As a military spouse, I feel like I have done a pretty decent job at learning how to be flexible, how to accept change, and how to prepare for the unknown. Of course I have had my fair share of mental breakdowns, but all things considered, I am proud of how much I have learned about the military lifestyle, and my own strengths in the process. I did not grow up in a military family, so now that I am a mom, I am facing a whole new challenge: teaching my children how to say goodbye to their childhood friends. 

The first two PCS’s we had with children, they were much too young to really understand what was going on, let alone have connections to friends they were going to leave behind. Now that they are school-aged and we are preparing for a cross-country move, we’ve had to be more intentional in preparing them for this big life change. My husband and I are still trying to navigate the best way to prepare our kids for this transition, but there are a few things that have helped us teach them how to say goodbye.

Transparency and Timelines

Our oldest (6 yo) is a big softie. He is super sensitive and has strong attachments to people and things he cares about. Being transparent with him about the move, when it will happen, and how, helps him to feel prepared and involved. The last thing we want is for him to feel like we have been keeping something from him, or that we are surprising him with little time to react (“We will have one more Christmas here”  or “one more birthday party with your friends before we say goodbye”). Our middle child (4 yo) is not nearly as sensitive and doesn’t quite grasp the concept of time just yet. We don’t need to talk with her as much about the timeline of the goodbye. We do have to remind her frequently that friends who have moved away aren’t going to be moving back, but that we can still call and send them letters. Being transparent with the kids is really helpful, and depending on their age and temperament, being open with them about the process has helped with goodbyes. 

Embracing Feelings

As an adult, I have to give myself time to grieve the choices that the military makes for our family that I wouldn’t necessarily choose for us. We have to give our kids that same grace. Letting them feel the disappointment and expressing it at appropriate times really helps to ease them through the goodbye. Seeing a best friend’s house empty after they’ve moved can be really sad, and we encourage our kids to feel what they need to. As much as I would like to tell them “Don’t be sad, you’ll make so many more friends,” I don’t feel like that’s fair or realistic to ask of anyone, especially for a child who has no experience with such big goodbyes. “You’re right, buddy, their old backyard does look really empty, and it’s okay to be sad about that.” We definitely don’t want to dwell on anything negative, but embracing the sadness that comes with goodbye helps our kids to move on and start looking forward to what’s next. I’ve found that once my kids have some time to feel sadness over their goodbyes, they naturally start looking for something good in the change: “I wonder who will move in next and if they’ll like dragons too?” 

Making the Goodbye Tangible

Our kids’ best friends, who were also a military family, moved away this past summer. Since we knew they were moving and had enough time to plan, we invited them over for a special play date. We wanted to give the kids an opportunity to make a little friendship souvenir (bracelets, polaroids, and picture frames, etc.) so they could have something physical to take with them when they left. This little goodbye party made it so that the kids had a chance to see each other in person to say goodbye, and have something tangible to remember their friends by. The play date was a really easy thing for us to do and a great memory for our kids to look back on. It was also during this time that we could link up the kids’ tablets so they could video call each other after the move. Technology is such a blessing for keeping in touch!

Tools for the Future

It is definitely not easy seeing your kids sad over the move of their best friend, or them dreading a move themselves. I did not grow up in a military family, so I didn’t have the same childhood struggles that my kids are currently facing. It wasn’t until much later in life that I learned what being a good friend was, and how to move on from disappointing changes or relationships. While it is not my favorite part of military family life, and I really hate seeing them sad, I know that the moves and the friendships are helping them develop better emotional intelligence than most adults I know. Military children really are so resilient. My kids are learning to feel the sadness about leaving their friends, while also having an open heart regarding their new house, new school, and new friends that will come with the next PCS. Learning how to say goodbye to their childhood friends is setting them up for a more successful adulthood, where they will treat others and themselves with so much grace.

Meet Rachel

Rachel is a WAF of seven years and a stay-at-home mom to three children. She met her husband while he was stationed in her home state of Colorado and has enjoyed traveling across the country over the years. A former middle school teacher, Rachel enjoys listening to audiobooks while chasing after her kids.

Her husband made the transition from the Air Force to the Space Force in 2021 and looking forward to being a part of something new. Rachel is currently enjoying being back in her home state and can’t wait to see where military life takes her next.