Hitting the Wall in Military Life: Perspective from a 20+ Year Military Spouse

As a military wife of over 20 years, I’m no stranger to stress. I’ve carried the invisible burden of holding the family together through countless combat deployments, TDY training trips, cross-country PCSs, last-minute order changes, and general life transitions. That’s part of military life. But just three months before my husband’s launch into outer space, we received the official word: his mission would be extended past the usual six-month length to an unusual nine-month stay, for a total of 272 days aboard the International Space Station. Somehow, this extra time felt a little extra heavy. 

My husband successfully launched into orbit in July, and the first several months of the mission were a flurry of activity. For weeks, I run at a metaphorical sprint, keeping the family moving and taking care of business straight through the fall into the Christmas season. But halfway into our mission, I hit the wall. If you’re a runner, you know what “hitting the wall” means. It’s the point at which your body, in complete cahoots with your brain, tells you, We need to stop. This is too hard. Let’s just sit down and never get back up again. Physically, “hitting the wall” often feels like heavy legs, trouble breathing, and extreme exhaustion. Mentally, it’s an intense desire to just lie down on the pavement and die. Your pace slows to a crawl, you can’t think straight, and you feel terrible. Everything inside of you is begging you to quit this hard thing you are doing. There are many reasons runners might hit the wall, but in this exceptionally tough and unusual season, I learn you can also hit the wall while sitting on your living room couch. 

I was lonely and exhausted. I felt frustrated and under appreciated. The sticky tendrils of resentment and bitterness began to wrap around my heart. Life felt hard and complicated, and the burden of carrying it all alone dragged me to my knees. I just wanted to quit and make the pain stop. I had hit the wall.

We’ve all been there. Military life is extra tough and requires so much of every aspect of you it’s easy to get overwhelmed, fearful, snarky, and resentful. Everyone wants to quit sometimes. So what can we do when we feel this way? Here are the two simple steps I’ve learned to help me when I hit the wall and feel stuck there like a bug on a windshield. 

Step One: Embrace the fact that there’s no avoiding the wall.

Everyone hits the wall eventually. Let me say that again: Everyone hits the wall. Military wives are tough and resilient, but we are not robots who can get knocked down over and over again without missing a beat. It’s okay to admit that life is hard, even if it’s a life you chose and love. Those feelings can coexist in the same place at the same time. It doesn’t make you a lousy wife, disloyal, weak, or a failure to admit that some days are a struggle. That’s just reality, and every single woman you know has felt the same way at least once in her life. Hitting the wall is normal and should be expected in hard seasons. It’s what you do next that matters.

Step Two: Look up and reach out.

Hitting the wall is so painful because it feels like we are stuck. Discouraged, we drop our heads and look down, staring at our feet as we attempt to plod along alone. The voice in our head tells us that life will always feel this hard, that our days will always be this dark, that this pain will never go away, or that the people in our lives will always disappoint us. Our natural tendency is to accept that lie because, at that moment, everything we think and feel tells us it’s true. But it’s not. You are not alone. That’s easy to forget when we’re in the slog, but you are surrounded by women who want to help you, listen to you, care for you, and to be your friend. If you look up, you’ll see them. They live on your street, work in your office, are in your spouse’s group, or go to the same church, gym, school, or stores as you do. They are ready and waiting for you.  

When you hit the wall, text your friend and tell her you are lonely. Ask your neighbor over for coffee. Join a book club, a walking group, a MOPS group, or a volunteer team. Start a new hobby with a friend, apply for a new job, or go back to school. There are a million ways to do it, but connect with the women around you and start doing life together. We are not meant to suffer alone. And miraculously, it heals and strengthens us when we share our burdens with others. Some days you won’t want to reach out. It will take grit and a willingness to be vulnerable yet again when what you want to do is crawl under the covers and hide. But this is how we get through. This is how we, as military wives, not just survive in this life but thrive. We have to do it together.

Some days it will be you who needs help. Some days you will be the helper. Step by step, hand in hand with your new friends, you will journey through the tough times together. And then, one morning, you’ll wake up and realize you’ve broken through the wall and brighter days are ahead. You’ll emerge from the rubble victorious, though maybe a little battered and bruised. But the best prize is not your survival; it’s the trusted friends and confidants who now stand beside you.

Don’t try to do this military life alone. It’s challenging, stressful, and scary at times. But surrounded by friends, it can also be full of purpose, adventure, and fun. Together, breaking through those walls, it becomes all that and more.