How to Build Community as a Military Spouse

It’s 2014 and my husband and I are soon to be married. We had chosen my best friend’s father to marry us as he had been a big part of my life when my own father passed away. He was also a retired Lt Cornel Army Chaplain. 

He had done a really hard tour in Iraq in 2005 and worked a lot with the reintegration of soldiers when they came back home. I’ll never forget the advice he spoke to me as he looked down the road I could not yet see, to a day when I would be facing lonely nights and an empty bed. 

“Going home during a deployment isn’t always the right thing – often at home you’re surrounded by those who say things like, ‘I could never do that,” and you start to question why you’re choosing to and wondering if there’s a way out.”

I understood his meaning. The point he was making isn’t that going home for family help is wrong, but rather that you need those around you to be saying instead, “I could never do this life ALONE – that’s why we’re here for you.” And so began a journey…from a small town in Missouri where people still wore their high school football tee shirts to cities I’d never visited becoming home. And he was right – the people I have had by my side, even these five short years in the Army, have been the difference between mere survival and loving even the hard days of military life. Community…the RIGHT community, has the power to do that!

But where do we even start? When we miss our friends from home or college and we look around wondering how anyone will compare? Sometimes we need a perspective shift! A changed definition that friends have to be from times of old, have lots of history, or even tons in common. We need to open up our eyes to neighbors and acquaintances and realize we have something really unique in this military world. Our husbands might not all do the exact same thing, but we as spouses have so much in common because of them. I think when we take the pressure and time requirements off of what our friends have to be, we open up a world to be blessed in a season where we might have missed it otherwise. 

Military friends might not become lifelong friends but they can be, “here right now friends”. And seasonal friends are so needed. 

Another toddler mom to do park dates with. 

A friend who likes wine tasting on weekends. 

A neighbor who can meet your kids at the bus stop in an emergency situation. 

A church friend you can ask to pray with.

I’ve rarely had one person be ALL these things at once, but what a blessing to have had them all in the season I needed. Sometimes we need to recognize the blessing of proximity! 

I have also found that the military is fairly small. Connections made, even for a time, can be rekindled later down the road. They can also be bridge-building friendships, a mutual friend to someone you do connect deeply with. They can be a connection to a new church, a new workout group, a new playgroup etc. Don’t underestimate the power of having ONE connection at a new duty station. It can open up many doors!

Lastly, and maybe most importantly, we were made for the community! If the pandemic taught us anything it showed us how vulnerable our mental health is when alone. We believe we are independent as military spouses, and we are! We believe we are strong, and we are! But we don’t always have to be – and saying that out loud can be incredibly freeing. When we recognize the joy that is on the other side of building community even when it’s hard work, which it can be, I think we will see that it is always worth it!

How To Build Your Community

So, we know we need it, but how do we build it? Let’s start with the power of “yes”. “Yes” to invitations. “Yes” to pre-standing opportunities. “Yes” to being brave and walking in alone…because we might not walk out alone. Ever been invited to a neighborhood meet-up, a stroller mom’s group, a Bible study, or a girl’s night…our default might be “I don’t know anyone,” but that’s the point. You might leave knowing someone. And again, maybe you go and it’s not your thing, no big deal. But maybe you go and find friends you would have missed out on!

Maybe you move somewhere new and aren’t immediately invited to things. Let’s be proactive. We don’t move somewhere new and wait for our new doctor to call us…we have to do some of the work. Our mental health is just as important. Let’s be participants in seeking what we need – community!

Things to Google / FB search: 

MOPS: Moms of Preschoolers.

SLAM: Sweat Like A Mother workout group or IStroll – stroller workout group.

Local small group/ Bible studies: PWOC or CWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel / Catholic Women of the Chapel – on post-Bible study with child care through the chapel), IF Tables, Navigators, Cru Military, Bible Study Fellowship, D-Groups. 

Local book clubs through the library, Bunko clubs, or a specific hobby/niche you have!

Military Wild – Military family hiking events.

Chapel-sponsored events with childcare! Not all bases/posts have these but I’ve been at multiple bases that have deployed spouses’ dinners, game nights, and holiday shopping events WITH childcare for those with deployed spouses. Whether you live on post or not these are GREAT opportunities to connect when you are new to a location without established childcare!

Yes, it is hard making friends over and over again and there is a strong temptation to close our hearts to keep us from the pain of goodbyes or rejection. But there is beauty in the bittersweet. Sadness at the end of a season of friendship can be cause for gratefulness – that we had what we needed for that time. And we can look ahead to new relationships as opportunities to expand our worldview, not just with the landscape of a new city or culture, but by being connected to new people who we wouldn’t get to meet if not for this crazy, hard, beautiful journey called life in the military!

If you’re worried about what to say or ask when you’re meeting new potential friends, you can check out THIS post I wrote on conversation starters or THIS one Jen + Kirst put together with their faves!