How to Manage an Unaccompanied Tour

I have been a milso for 4 years and my boyfriend recently left for an unaccompanied tour. The impact of my boyfriend leaving has been more than I could’ve ever imagined. We are almost 3 months into this unaccompanied tour and I want to share the challenges I have experienced so far and what I am doing to overcome them. While some of the changes have been expected, there have been quite a few impacts that I was not prepared for. The time zones and rotating between day shifts and nights have made communication more difficult than I anticipated. However, we try to make an effort to be aware of the communication struggles and get ahead of them. So far we do this by texting throughout the day and having phone calls on the weekend when scheduling permits. We are also planning things to do on his mid-tour trip home, as a way to keep both of our spirits up.

Schedule Impact

The first noticeable impact was my schedule. I work a full-time civilian DoD job, but the base I work on is about an hour away. When my boyfriend was home our schedules were slightly offset so we were able to tag-team taking care of our two dogs, Hans and Nani. Since my boyfriend has been gone, I have had to adjust my work schedule so that I sit in less traffic and am home more for our pups. As a graduate student, finding time to focus on classwork is paramount. Finding time to clean my house and have some sort of social life has been a chore in itself. This has led to sometimes feeling drained and overwhelmed.

To combat this feeling, I have found it helpful to use a physical paper calendar to write down a weekly schedule. Even scheduling an hour to relax and watch trash tv, call my best friend for 20 minutes to catch up, or even to get a quick pedicure and listen to a podcast. Once that schedule is written down, I can visualize what I have to do and can time block my days as much as possible. There are days it works and plenty of days it goes completely wrong. For me, it is the act of knowing what I have on my plate and at least having a plan as to how I want to tackle it.

Therapy

Another big thing that has helped me through this transition has been therapy. I started going to therapy about 2 months before my boyfriend left for this tour. I wanted to start going before he left so that I could get the feel for how it was and if I liked it. In therapy, I talk about how I am feeling about him being gone, how work is, my family, and everything else in life. There is not one specific topic that I am held to talking about. But it helps to have that open communication with someone who not only knows how to listen (we love our guys, but man do they stink at listening sometimes!) but who can offer an impartial sounding board when I need one. 

Personal Goals

As I mentioned, I am a graduate student and one of my goals is to finish my master’s degree while my boyfriend is on this unaccompanied tour. While he is off learning new skills and meeting new people, I want to do the same! I have goals set for myself to accomplish in the next 12 months or so. Some big, some small, but all of them are to help me in becoming a better version of myself – hopefully! Another goal I have is to have a better relationship with food. I would love to be able to cook a well-rounded, healthy meal that is delicious and that I actually enjoy making.

Emotional Challenges

Being a milso can be so taxing, physically, mentally and emotionally. This unaccompanied tour is a prime example for us, it was not expected and came with less than 3 months notice. But that doesn’t mean it has to be a negative experience. As my boyfriend has gotten settled into his new normal and I am adjusting to mine, we continue to communicate as much as possible. It is times like this – deployments, PCS’s, unaccompanied tours – that we, as significant others, are tried in every single way. However, it is in these same times that we are also shown how strong and capable we are. I know that during his tour, I will face some trials & tribulations. I also know that I will come out on the other side of this, with more knowledge and strength… So here’s to all the milso’s who are preparing to face a trying time in your significant other’s career. We’ve got this!