The Quiet Weight of the Middle Months

What no one tells you about the part of deployment after the goodbye and before the countdown.

I was standing in my kitchen making guacamole. Nothing was wrong. Nobody had called with bad news. The kids were fine. (in fact I could hear them giggling and laughing like banshees in the other room).

Dinner was almost ready. And suddenly I couldn’t stop crying.

I wish I could tell you there was a reason. There wasn’t and I think that’s what surprised me the most. Somewhere in the middle of deployment, the emotions stop waiting for the big moments. And there have been some big ones. It finds you in the ordinary.

We’re nearly halfway through this deployment. Not at the beginning and not close enough to homecoming. Just… the middle. 

The Ordinary Middle

Somewhere along the way, deployment stopped feeling temporary. It became ordinary. Quietly.

Morning workouts at the gym.

Baseball season giving way to soccer.

Gymnastics.

Laundry.

Grocery Trips.

Making dinner.

An almost-always empty side of the bed (thanks to our black Lab, Aurora, who insists she’s helping).

Walking past couples at the park or in Target.

One decision after another.

Until one day you realize…

You’re not the same woman who waved goodbye months ago.

Some of those changes are beautiful. Some are heartbreaking. Most are both.

At first, everyone checks in.

Months later. Life moves on.

Deployment doesn’t.

Sometimes people don’t even remember your husband is deployed. 

Quite frankly, a lot of people don’t even know.

The Isolation of Reserve Life

Reserve life can feel especially lonely because, when you don’t live near a military installation, deployment isn’t always visible. There isn’t a neighborhood full of spouses who instinctively understand. There aren’t yellow ribbons on every street or families counting down together. Life around you keeps moving, and sometimes it feels like you’re carrying this season in a world that barely realizes you’re in it.

Our son’s baseball games & practices – just watching how much he has improved and wishing his dad could have been a part of it. Or me working with him on building skillsets and my husband saying “I wish I was there to help him.”

Towards the end of the season, he finally got to pitch in a game, they won! My parents weren’t able to be at this game either; After the game, I asked him how he was feeling.

“Were you nervous or feeling more comfortable?”

He said, “Definitely more comfortable, I just wish Daddy & Pop Pop could’ve been there.”

There wasn’t anything I could say. I smiled with tears in my eyes and told him how proud I was and silently wished the same thing.

A more recent moment, I was at one of my good friend’s annual 4th of July celebrations surrounded by so many of our favorite people. The music was playing, we were all laughing and finding our spots to watch the fireworks. I was sitting on the retaining wall, off to the side, and then it played. American Soldier. It hit me. I was celebrating such an amazing holiday, as an American, without my husband. Quickly, I felt an arm around my shoulder, another on my hand and a hand on my back. Quietly whispering “We’ve got you” – before I knew it, tears were running down my face. I kept saying the same thing over and over. “I just want him home.” Celebrating a holiday like that without your soldier just hits different.

Realizing Independence

I’ve become more independent than I ever wanted to be.

I’ve learned how to make every decision, carry every responsibility, and keep our little world moving forward.

Somewhere along the way, I even started getting used to carrying life without him beside me.

That sentence hurts to write.

Because while independence is something people often celebrate, it feels different when it grows out of absence.

I’d trade every bit of it to hear his car pull over the loose gravel in our driveway tonight.

Which reminds me, I really need to get that fixed!

The Reminder of God’s Faithfulness

Fear has become one of my greatest battles, not because something has happened, but because of all the things my mind imagines could. 

It doesn’t always come during the day. Some nights, fear finds me while I sleep. I wake up grieving a future that doesn’t even exist.

Satan whispers stories about a future I don’t want to imagine. He tells me this deployment is preparing me to do life alone forever. But I’ve learned that fear speaks in certainty while faith speaks in surrender. One tells me to prepare for the worst. The other invites me to trust the One who already knows tomorrow.

God is teaching me that faithfulness doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. He’s gently reminding me, I was never meant to do it all and certainly not alone. 

He’s teaching me he’s in control. That I must first turn to him. 

I don’t know what the next several months will hold. I know there will probably be more tears in unexpected places. More soccer games. Gymnastics competitions. More empty evenings. More moments when fear knocks on the door.

But I also know this: The God who met me on the day we said goodbye is the same God meeting me today. Not just in the milestones. Not just in the phone calls or in the homecoming I’ll one day celebrate.

He’s here on ordinary Tuesdays. In the grocery store. One the sidelines. In the kitchen making guacamole.

If you’re reading this from somewhere in the middle of your own deployment. I hope you know this:

If you’ve cried over something that doesn’t make sense, become stronger than you ever wanted to be. If fear has whispered stories you never wanted to hear. You’re not alone. The middle is where so much changes, but it’s also where God quietly proves He never has. 

He’s here in the middle.

Meet Ashley

Ashley has been an Army Reservist Officer’s wife for a little more than three years, is a full-time working mom of two, and a proud believer. 

She works as an Account Manager at US Digital Partners, where she brings strategy and clarity to creative work. Outside the office, Ashley serves on the worship team, social media team, and leads the MOMS group at her local church – several roles that reflect her deep love for community and faith. 

Whether navigating military life or motherhood, she’s passionate about showing up with authenticity, purpose, and grace. Excited to be here and give a voice to the reservist community!