The Things We Don’t Say at Coffee

We don’t talk about mental health at coffee.

We talk about the recent move and what a pain in the ass it is to have to start over again. 

We discuss the kids, jobs, or lack thereof.

We joke about the commissary and bond over shared Murphy trauma (IYKYK). 

We don’t ask for help, and we don’t let on that we’re treading water and we don’t want to go home. 

We don’t mention the resentment we’ve been feeling lately because guilt silences the admission. 

We don’t let on that we’re dealing with severe anxiety over our spouse’s job and possible future deployments because of a recent crash that affected the squadron we now call home. 

We smile, we laugh, we joke, and shove that shit down. We respond with “I’m good!” and we ask, “How are you?”

We don’t say the hard parts out loud. 

Admitting that I was struggling with postpartum depression to a point where I didn’t trust myself alone with my own kids for the weekend made me feel weak. 

Admitting that I couldn’t handle the household while my husband was gone for two months made me feel like a failure. 

Admitting that I resented my husband and his career made me feel ashamed, like I wasn’t a good military spouse. 

After all, it’s not therapy, it’s coffee. 

The Spouse Who Can’t Handle It

Everyone has their own issues, some worse than others, so what’s the point of complaining if our own situation isn’t as bad as theirs? 

We never want to be a nuisance or burden other spouses with our problems. 

But more than that, we never want to be the spouse who can’t handle the lifestyle. And saying the messy stuff out loud is just one giant admission. 

But that’s the problem. 

We don’t say the messy stuff out loud. We don’t open the door for someone else to admit they’re struggling, too. 

We interpret needing help as failing at being a military spouse, when we were never meant to do this alone.

Sometimes “I’m good” isn’t just a social nicety. Sometimes we genuinely have no idea how close the person across from us is to breaking. 

I honestly think, as a military spouse, we develop an instinct to reach out, to say “want to grab coffee?”, because it’s how we keep ourselves connected when we’re struggling.

Want To Grab Coffee?

I love a good coffee date, especially with the spouse who just gets it. They don’t pass judgment, they can relate, and bonus points if they laugh at my jokes! 

A good coffee date is therapeutic in its own way. If you feel lighter leaving, it’s working. 

Over the past 14 years, I’ve met some truly amazing women and made incredible friends all over a cup of coffee. I’ve lost count of all the coffee meetups I’ve gone to, organized, and hosted. 

And obviously it isn’t always coffee because I am a huge foodie; sometimes it is simply just food or wine. Whatever it may be, the idea is the same: to get to know someone, to find that lifeline, to vent, to relate, but ultimately, to feel less alone and slightly less crazy. 

I’ve been that spouse who doesn’t speak up, and hell, I’m still that spouse sometimes. But I’ve learned that asking for help takes practice. I could blame it on being a 90s kid or my inherent stubbornness, but I truly believe asking for help is a learned skill. And it requires experience and trial and error. Part of my hesitation comes from bad experiences with people who just don’t understand the life they’re in; they’re in different seasons of life, or they’re simply just not my cup of tea.  

But ya weed ‘em out. 

We need that coffee date because, deep down, we all know it isn’t just coffee, or food, or wine. It’s a “me too” moment. It’s a reminder that we’re not the only ones struggling to carry this life.

Sharing a tiny glimpse into our personal lives is scary, especially in a life that is so damn heavy.

But that’s exactly why vulnerability breeds connection.

This life is too heavy to carry alone.

Maybe That is Enough

So the next time you’re sitting across from a military spouse, and she asks how you’re doing, maybe tell her the truth.

“Actually, I’m struggling.”

Maybe she says:

“Me too.”

And maybe that is enough. 

Meet Alexa

Alexa has been a WAF for nearly 14 years and has been with her middle school sweetheart since age 12. They married at 19 and dove headfirst into the world of AFSOC, moving overseas to Okinawa, Japan. Since then, life has been a whirlwind of deployments, PCS moves, and memories she wouldn’t trade for anything.

Now, as her husband transitions into the pilot community, she’s stepping into this next chapter alongside their three energetic kids and one very lovable golden retriever. When she’s not juggling military life and family chaos, Alexa works from home as a columnist for Authentically Alexa in Military Families Magazine. She loves good food, better conversation, meeting new people, and planning the next adventure, whether it’s a girls’ trip with her best friend or a family getaway.

She’s passionate about connecting with other military spouses and sharing the real-life moments that come with life in uniform.