When You’re Not the One PCS’ing

It’s that time of year again: the much anticipated – or dreaded – summer PCS season. The rumors of who’s-going-where start to swirl, the frenzy of googling housing markets, school districts, and where the closest Target is begins, and the general feeling of angst sets in as you look around your house and realize all of this stuff will be boxed up in a few short months. You wonder if all of your items will survive another move, if the washer and dryer will fit through the door of your next house, and if you’ll make friends easily at your next base.

That was me last year.

But this year? I’m not the one pcs’ing. We’ve only been at our current assignment for 8 months, so we’ve still got some time before it’s our turn to hustle through the grind that is the summer PCS season. Instead, I’m the one who will be the “seasoned” spouse here: I know the traffic patterns around our area, which coffee shops have good coffee vs the ones that taste like jet fuel, which grocery stores have the best produce, and most importantly, how far away Target and CFA are. 

When you throw yourself into daily life at your current assignment, it doesn’t take long to be “seasoned” in it, but what can take longer is cultivating meaningful friendships.

I often joke with my husband that he stopped dating when we got together, but I didn’t: I date other military wives, and in fact, I speed date them. I have to quickly get to know other wives to see if we jive. When you’re only at one location for a certain length of time, you have to quickly find your people so you can maximize your time with them before one of you is whisked away into the wild blue yonder. 

It’s hard moving as often as we do. And while yes, we do have our built-in communities within our base and squadrons, it doesn’t guarantee you’ll click with another spouse right away. Sometimes it can take awhile before you find your friendship groove and have the tribe around you that brings support, fun, and a whole lot of laughter to this crazy life.

One of my least favorite things about pcs’ing is the first spouses’ event, especially the dreaded walk-into-the-room-alone moment. I feel awkward, don’t know who to talk to, or honestly, what to do with my hands (until I can find the bar and snag a glass of wine). I nervously eye the different social circles, wondering which one I might be able to sneak into. Thankfully, at one of our previous assignments, an older spouse caught my eye and waved me closer and looped me into the conversation. It was such a relief to be included into conversation and introduced to everyone so quickly. Her kindness didn’t go unnoticed, and since that moment I’ve decided to pay the kindness forward, and keep an eye out for new spouses so I can welcome them in. 

As the one who isn’t pcs’ing this summer, I hope and plan to do that for all of the incoming spouses: being quick to say hi and introduce myself, and loop you into the conversations we’re having. Our time together may be brief, but I want it to be meaningful. It doesn’t guarantee you’ll be best friends, but it does give you the opportunity to get to know someone you might not otherwise have had the chance to… and who knows, that new spouse just might be your base bestie. 

To all my other spouses who aren’t pcs’ing this summer, let’s do our best to welcome the new spouses to our base in the way we hope to be invited in. Here are a few suggestions on how to be the welcoming spouse we all wish we had met:

1. Be aware it’s a welcome event, and be quick to introduce yourself.

 When your squadron/base has an event that is specific for welcoming newcomers, be cognizant that new spouses will be there and keep an eye out for them. If you see someone you don’t know, make the first move and introduce yourself.

2. Introduce others, too.

There’s nothing more awkward than standing around and not being introduced when everyone else seems to know each other. Loop the newcomers in and introduce the rest of the group, too. If the conversation is circling topics that are more of the inside-joke-type, try to include the new person in, or provide context for the conversation. 

3. Swap numbers.

It sounds so forward, but offer to exchange numbers. I usually give them my phone and have them type their name/number into my contacts, then I text them my full name. When you’re new to the area it’s so nice to have the option to reach out to someone if you need to.

4. Follow Up.

After the event or meeting, text the new spouse, even if it’s just to say it was nice to meet them. We all know how hard and lonely it can be during those first months of a PCS, and a little text of kindness can go a long way. Don’t be afraid to offer to get together for coffee, a play date, or wine night, either! 

Military life is hard. Moving is hard. Getting into a new routine is hard. Finding a new job is hard. Finding reliable childcare is hard. Unpacking is hard. Making new friends is hard.

Let’s do our best to take “making new friends” off of that list, and be as welcoming as we can be… because before we know it, we’ll be the ones pcs’ing and in need of a friend.