You’re Dating a Cadet, Now What? 3 Keys to Navigating a Successful Long Distance Relationship

When my then boyfriend (now husband of 10 years) told me he was being recruited to play football at the United States Air Force Academy (USAFA), I truthfully had never heard of the Academy. After he committed and made it official that he would be attending school there the following fall, I still really had no idea what our relationship was in for over the next five years. Through those years I learned a lot of valuable lessons, not only about surviving a long-term long distance relationship, but also about myself. 

1. This is not a “normal” college

Whether your significant other is attending USAFA or another Service Academy, the first key thing you should keep in the back of your head is: this is not a “normal” college. Cadets must go through a rigorous application process and be appointed by a Senator or Congressman in order to be considered for enrollment. The academics are intense and the schedule is grueling, but on top of that, there are also the military requirements. Many cadets are also involved in athletics, which adds even more to their already packed schedules. So what free time does that leave them with? Weekends, maybe! However, weekends are also often full of required events. Cadets are held to exceptionally high standards and are granted special permissions but can also have their freedoms taken away. Their own actions as well as those of their peers can have a positive or negative impact on their free time. Understanding that the rigor of the Academy is critical to dating a Cadet – their time is limited – make the most of it! 

2.. Communication will make or break your relationship

This brings me to the second key to dating a Cadet: Communication will make or break your relationship! Yes, this is true for all of your relationships in life, but it is fundamental to making a relationship work when your BF/GF/Fiance is juggling this kind of load and you’re hardly seeing each other. First, establish realistic expectations based on both of your schedules. More than likely your school, work, or a time difference may cause schedule conflicts. Consider these things and then work together to make a plan for when and how to spend time with one another (by phone or in person). Commit to a set time and stick to it! Inevitably something may come up, but do your best to plan ahead and make consistent communication your top priority. For example, my then BF and I would talk on the phone on Saturday nights no matter what. We made it a priority and stuck with it for the entire time he was a Cadet. We would text daily but never had the expectation that we would have extended conversations during the week. 

Whenever possible, make plans to see each other! If you’re in the local area then it will be easier for you to connect with your Cadet. However, if you are dating long-distance then you will have to navigate the logistics of travel. Consider when your Cadet will be able to come home or when it’s better for you to travel to them. If they have a long weekend, plan a fun trip out to see them. If they are an athlete, know that these breaks are often consumed by games or practices so you may not get 100% of their time. Don’t let that deter you from visiting them, it’s fun to be in the crowds or on the sidelines supporting them. Do a day-in-the-life of a Cadet where you attend classes with them, eat lunch at Mitches (dining hall), watch formations. If you look for them, there are a lot of opportunities to spend time together, it just may take extra time and coordination. 

3. Change Your Perspective

So you might be thinking, this sounds like a lot (maybe more than you already realized) and you don’t know where you fit into the picture. The third key I learned during my experience dating a Cadet was to: Change my perspective. It’s hard to successfully navigate a long-distance relationship, especially with a Cadet, but it’s also really rewarding to put in the effort to make things work. Make yourself a priority during this time. Consider your goals, aspirations and future. Yes, you’ll have a lot of time apart from the person you want to be with, but use this extra time to invest in YOU! Your Cadet is investing in their future (one that potentially includes you) so do the same. Whether that’s getting your degree, working, spending time with family/friends, traveling. Filling your cup gives you independence, reduces resentment, and makes time go by faster, all of which are beneficial to your relationship. In turn, consider your Cadets needs, goals, and future plans. Be interested in their day-to-day grind, learn the acronyms, find ways to help them manage stress. Once they are selected for their career field, learn about it and start talking about potential bases. Lastly, surround yourself with people who celebrate the fact that you are putting in the work to date a Cadet – don’t let the negative noise of naysayers creep in – remember perspective is key! 

Commit & Compromise

As with all relationships, commitment and compromise are fundamental! Work together to figure out how to manage both in a way that doesn’t feel like one or the other is always giving in. Make decisions together and work through the challenges. All of these keys are beneficial to dating a Cadet, but I have also found them to be invaluable to navigating a marriage (relationship) to a service member.