5 Ways to Cope with Long Distance Love

Long distance love. A concept that’s glamorized in movies, TV shows, books. The most heartwarming reunions depicting pure love and adoration leave me feeling like that moment is the type of love I dreamed of as a child. Watching videos of military homecomings never fails to make my eyes water. Watch Kane Brown’s music video for “Homesick” and try not to cry within the first 30 seconds, I dare you! Add the cherry on top of all of that, actually understanding what it feels like to live weeks or months apart before the long awaited reunion. 

Anyone who knows me understands that I am “Positive Polly,” and I’m always looking for the blessing in the hard moments. For me, the blessing is the idea that love like I’ve always dreamed of really does exist, and God’s giving it to me with my husband. Especially when it’s intentionally and deliberately nurtured, protected, and strengthened amidst both the “for better” and through the “for worse.” Or, rather, “when together” and “when oceans apart.” 

But let’s not kid ourselves, that doesn’t mean that those periods of long distance are a walk in the park. Nearly all of my fellow military friends spent a good portion of their relationship apart. And a commonality we all experience is that it doesn’t necessarily get easier, we just learn to cope with it better. Earlier this year, my husband and I made a podcast episode together right before we were about to spend about two months apart. What was funny to me is how starkly different our expectations are, and our methods for coping. Together we came up with our five non-negotiables for coping with our thirteen-hour time change for the next couple of months. We’ve spent a good portion of this year apart, and these five things still hold the most importance for us. These are the non-negotiables that help periods of long distance go by a little quicker and feel a little smoother. 

1. Trust

This is probably a “duh” type of tip, but I have a caveat for you. It’s not trust in the way that we trust each other to remain faithful, I think that’s a given. But rather we mean trust in the idea that the other person continues to have your best interest at heart. You know those moments when you agreed that you’d facetime at 9:00pm and 9:20pm is quickly approaching? If you’re like me, maybe you find yourself starting to convince yourself that “it’s just not as important to him as it is to me.” Well friend, what if we simply trust that it is? Maybe he got caught talking to someone he can’t easily pull himself away from and he’s doing his best. What if we simply trust that we have each other’s best interest at heart? 

And honestly, maybe sometimes he really does forget, or gets caught up having fun with his friends and he’s a few minutes late. Having this mindset helps me to release my guard a little bit, and be a bit more forgiving or understanding when things don’t quite go to plan. It’s like intentionally derailing the snowball effect of these negative thought processes (i.e. “he knows I only have 20 minutes, why won’t he just call when he says he will,” “of course he’s out with the guys and I’m here holding down the fort and he doesn’t even appreciate it”…) before they can even begin. 

2. Have your own life and independent goals

We hear it all the time, how important it is to have a strong sense of self outside of the military as a military spouse. And in the long distance periods is when this really rears its head in my opinion. 

Does anyone else feel like they really have their sh*t together when their spouse is away? Suddenly the cleaning schedule I’ve been meaning to commit to finally gets nailed into routine, “the chair” that houses all of my clothes that aren’t dirty but aren’t getting put away is no longer in service, and my goal of afternoon walks 4 times per week at last is being met. 

For me this is because I feel a bit like I have more time when he’s away. I’m not spending time with him at night, I’m not making sure I have dinner ready by a certain time, or maybe I just feel a renewed sense of wanting to feel put together when he’s away. We’ve found that when we know the other person is focusing on being their best, healthiest versions of themselves and they are trying to enjoy their days, distance feels a little bit better. 

Okay, wait my friends. I don’t have children, so I think this may change when that time rolls around for me. But who knows, maybe it will remain but just slightly shift when I have other humans to look after? Anywho, I figured that was pertinent information for this tip, but I do still think it’s applicable in a slightly different way if you’re a mama. 

But I love taking this time when my husband is away to focus on myself. To finally roll around to those extra goals I haven’t been able to tackle yet. Whether it’s training for a half marathon, finally trying to put together a house cleaning schedule for myself that I can actually stick to, or totally Marie Kando-ing my closet. I love channeling the extra energy I have that normally gets filled with my husband into something that’s bettering myself. And it doesn’t have to be anything earth shattering. It can even be pouring more time into a hobby that really brings me joy. Just simply giving time and energy back to something that is important to me. 

This can also be applied in an introvert versus extrovert perspective as well. I am what one might call an “extroverted introvert.” So I love spending time with people, but my cup really gets refilled when I’m by myself. So I love to schedule a few social things throughout the week to look forward to, and on days when I’m not spending time with friends I pour that energy into something like a hobby or goal I mentioned above! If you’re more extroverted, this can look like themed dinner parties, craft nights, planning trips…anything that fills your cup with the people around you!

3. Communication Minimums

Now let’s get into the tips we work on together. Prior to leaving we try to talk about what our “communication minimums” are. This is the absolute bare minimum we need from each other while apart. For us this looks like at least daily in-depth texts. Not your average “good morning” and “goodnight,” but rather texting about the intricacies of our day. This helps us feel like we’re upholding the emotional intimacy we have when we’re physically together, by letting each other into our minds during our day. 

Remember this is a minimum! So for us, quality > quantity. I’d rather get one big long text about my husband’s flight, what situation got turned upside down, and the dog he ran into walking to dinner as opposed to 15 small texts like “eating lunch” or insignificant happenings of the day. 

And then we talk about our ideals. Ideally we’d like to facetime at least once a day, even for just a few minutes. But it’s so important to remember what’s actually realistic. Even though he said he’d be able to facetime at 9pm, we all know how this lifestyle works. In our relationship, my time is often a bit more flexible than his, so I try to remember that and flex with his schedule if I can. That may not be possible for either of us because life happens. But we always try our best to fall back on our minimum of at least one text. 

So breaking this down, we agree on our communication minimums, ideals, talk about what’s realistic, and remember that quality > quantity. 

4. Love Languages

During our premarital marriage counseling through the church prior to our wedding sacrament, our priest had us read the book “The 5 Love Languages.”  After reading this and discovering how simple shifts can leave your loved one going from feeling like their partner just doesn’t care, to feeling utterly loved with a simple shift, we realized how helpful this could be during long distance. They also released a military version, here, of which I absolutely need to read! 

But here’s how it works. The five love languages are: acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, and gifts. Once you discover what your respective love languages are you could talk about how to uphold these while apart. For example, if your love language is quality time and your husband makes the extra effort to have a five minute facetime call, that might leave you feeling really loved. Or, if your loved one’s love language is acts of service, you calling the plumber to finally get that guest bathroom shower fixed might leave your loved one feeling like their love cup is extra filled! The book goes through plenty of examples of how we might feel either fully loved, or not loved at all when we pay attention to love languages. 

5. Create a “Long Distance” evening routine

I know for me, nighttime is often the hardest. It sort of feels like their absence is magnified before bed. So for me, making a new routine to wind down while he’s away is really helpful. I like to plan a few dinners a week with friends to take up some time in the evening. And on the days when that isn’t happening, I try to romanticize the evening time as best as I can. That might look like a facemask on a Tuesday because why not, it might look like a bubble bath and a book, or it might look like a post-dinner time walk and calling a parent or a friend. 

Having a tv show that you’re watching simultaneously can be really fun too. It makes the distance feel a little bit less magnified when you’re doing something you might normally do while you’re together. But having a few go-to methods to spend my time at night is so helpful in making the time pass by just a little bit quicker. 

And of course, remember that’s not about perfection. We’re going to have good days, and we’re definitely going to have bad days. But simply putting in the effort to remember to intentionally work on these things is all that really matters. It’s more about the effort than the checking of the box and result. If you want to hear a bit more of the husband’s or active-duty members perspective on coping with long distance, listen to our The Peak And Pit podcast episode all about this called Long Distance Love, here.