It’s no surprise to us that it’s been shared in the milso community that reintegration can often be harder than the actual deployment itself. It’s hard to put into words to people outside of the military why seeing your significant other for the first time in months (or years!) can be something you’re simultaneously excited about and also terrified of.
Deployment reintegration can be a lot to emotionally navigate and this post is all about reminding you that you’re 1) not alone and 2) have access to help in a way that feels most comfortable to you. It’s a beast, but you can get through it!!
Pre-entry
These days and weeks leading up to your significant other’s return can be oddly stressful. What do you wear? Do you invite family to be there? What if the return date gets unexpectedly pushed? How do you prepare your kids when plans could change last minute?
Our advice?
Be honest with yourself and others.
If you’re already feeling overwhelmed with just the thought of family being a part of the reunion, ask that they come to visit a few weeks later once you’ve had a chance to establish a new normal.
If you have kids, manage their expectations in an age-appropriate way. You can start warming them up to the idea that their parent will be returning home without divulging too many details (unless they’re able/old enough to understand and cope with plans changing). Shoot them straight as best as you’re able!
Don’t romanticize how this moment will look.
While all of the homecoming videos and pictures are beautiful, tear-jerkers, what is captured in that content might not be the reality of your reunion…and that’s OK. Kirst’s now husband, then boyfriend had so many changes to his return and she didn’t have access to get on base unaccompanied. So, she just focused on the bare minimum of making sure she had someone (Jen!!!) with base access that could get her on base when he was arriving and snap a quick picture of their reunion hug. It wasn’t flashy, but it was realistic given the ever-changing plans and limited access.
Communicate with your partner.
Ask what they expect and desire most when they return. Everything from the day they get back to the weeks after so you can manage your expectations of what this upcoming season will look like, together.
Also, keep your heart opened to them changing their minds. Especially if this is their first deployment or first deployment with kids, what they think would help them settle may not be what actually helps. Keep those communication lines open!
Communicate with your people.
It’s likely that you’re going to enter a pretty selfish season of life that is focused on melding your family back together after all of this time apart. Give them ways they can be helpful (which might include just giving you space!)
Homecoming
We love THIS post that is full of tips to help yourself, your partner, your kids, and your extended family / loved ones navigate this transition.
Days and Months Following
The biggest and best piece of advice we have for this period of reintegration is to have a plan that’s flexible and makes the most sense for your unique family. There are wonderful articles and blog posts you can read (like THIS one specifically for your sweet kids or THIS one to help with the pragmatic steps to reintegrate financial affairs) and we recommend spending the months leading up to the homecoming reading through those, sharing them with your partner and discussing what your plan as a family will be. As long as what you have developed is something you’ve done together and can flex to meet the needs of each person involved as they adjust to the new normal (because there is no way to predict all of the hiccups that will arise during this adjustment period) you’re setting yourself up for the most successful possible reintegration.
Something we both deeply value during this period is remembering that we’re establishing a new normal together.
Create new routines and rhythms together.
Give your partner the space to be involved in things you were handling while they were gone. This might look like making a list of the things they want to take off of your plate, so you have clear expectations of who will be doing what as you continue to move forward. Revisit this conversation often and check in with each other and how each of you are handling the new routine and responsibilities.
Disagree, but do it fairly.
There are going to be disagreements. That part is guaranteed, how you handle those is up to you! Lean into resources that support you “fighting fairly” with your partner during these moments. We love prioritizing time in prayer/reflection, focusing on communication with our partner prioritizing their love language and building in time together that has nothing to do with anything other than spending time together in a fun way (e.g., a sport/hobby you can do together – skiing, pickleball, bike riding).
Adjust as necessary and seek help.
You’re going to be experiencing a lot of change and it’s not going to be a quick solution situation, most likely. Just like it took some time to get used to them being away, it will take some time to get used to them being home. Don’t be afraid to see our third-party resources to support the emotions tied to all of this new change (it’s a LOT to navigate and process!!) and adapt your reintegration plan in a way that makes it easier to continue to move forward, united.
Some third-party resources we recommend are:
Military and Family Life Counseling
Private Clinician Covered Through TRICARE
