Navigating Miscarriage and Feeling Supported as a Milso

Trigger Warning: Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

This post contains personal reflections and experiences related to miscarriage and pregnancy loss. We recognize that these topics can be deeply emotional and potentially triggering. Please take care of yourself as you read, and know that it’s okay to step away if needed.

*Please note: Every person’s experience navigating a miscarriage is different. The following resources and insights are based on a personal milso’s experience who wishes to remain anonymous.

I want to start off by saying, if you or a loved one has experienced a miscarriage and that is what led you to this post, my heart aches for you. If that is the case, I want to extend a bear hug and hold space for your loss. There are likely no words to quell your grief, but I want to assure you that you are not alone and that whoever consists of your support system – family, friends, neighbors – want to be there for you, too.

As a military spouse, going through something as heartbreaking as a miscarriage can be made more isolating when you are far away from family, friends or maybe even your significant other. If you are a loved one of a military couple experiencing a miscarriage, it is more important than ever to show up and extend your support.

When my husband and I experienced a miscarriage, we went through a huge range of feelings in the weeks and months that followed. In the beginning, we were in an emotional daze just trying to get through the days. Over time, it became clear that pouring into ourselves and each other would be the stepping stones towards holding space for our loss while also healing our hearts. We were grateful to have friends and family, near or far, show up to support us when we needed it most.

My hope is that the insight below, informed by our own pregnancy loss, can reassure you that you are not alone, and provide resources to help you, your significant other and your support system feel supported during this time.

My advice if you are experiencing a Miscarriage ….

Hold space: During this time, it’s so important to hold space for your feelings. This could look like prayer, voicing your emotions to your significant other, meditation, allowing yourself to cry, or giving yourself the grace to step back from commitments to focus on your feelings and healing.
Take Time Off: If possible, consider taking some time off of work. Depending on how you and/or your significant other might be feeling physically and emotionally, this could be in the initial days after your loss or may be weeks later when you are craving time for connection.
Find a Routine: You may find a routine can help give some semblance of structure to a very uncertain time. For us in the days after my miscarriage, this was watching a mindless show together with my husband (sometimes all day), taking a shower, brushing my teeth, and picking up take-out for dinner. This routine will likely morph with you as your feelings and physical needs change.
Set Boundaries: During this time, you have the agency to set boundaries with others to make space for your grief. This may look like deciding to not host guests for a couple weeks, politely removing yourself from baby-centric conversations until your heart is ready, or something else that feels right to you.
Seek Support: You may find talking with a parent, sibling, pastor, or best friend helpful. It may also be particularly helpful to talk with someone who has experienced a miscarriage before, too. If you feel it’s best for you, seeking professional counseling services may be a great way to get the support you need to navigate this time. This could look like contacting your local Military and Family Life Counseling Program or a local/virtual therapist.
Accept Support: If a neighbor asks to drop off dinner or if you already have children and a friend says they’d like to watch your children to give you alone time to take care of yourself, say yes if it feels right.
Consider Social Media Usage: Personally, after my miscarriage, the constant flow of pregnancy videos, baby item sponsor ads and flow of pregnancy announcements was tough. For my mental health, I decided to drastically limit social media which I found to be incredibly healing. While this may be a good choice for some, for others access to miscarriage support groups (e.g., Facebook Groups, Reddit Threads, Instagram) can be critical in healing alongside a community of women.

As I started to physically heal and was moving beyond the initial emotions, I was looking for practices I could implement back into my life that would support my commitment to healing. One of the best things I did in the weeks after my miscarriage was watch this video from Bettina Rae on Youtube, called How to Heal Your Heart After Miscarriage. The video outlines a couple of practices she implemented after her miscarriage to help her heal that really inspired me. Below is a recap of some of those practices mentioned in the video (denoted by an *) and a couple others I have found helpful.

Spend Quality Time with your Significant Other: You and your significant other may have different feelings that come up at different times as you grieve and heal. That is why spending quality time can provide a much needed shared space for connection and healing together. For some couples, maybe this is carving out time to take a weekend trip. For other couples, you may find it helpful to connect through an activity; maybe this is going on nightly walks, working on a DIY project, picking up your pickleball paddles for a game or something else you love to do together.
Journal: Journaling can act as a way of remembering your pregnancy, putting down worries, fears, lingering thoughts in a judgement-free space. I also found it to be helpful in the weeks and months after my miscarriage to journal about experiences I was having that brought certain feelings back up for me. You may find it helpful to buy a dedicated journal for this purpose or purchase a guided journal if the thought of sitting with an empty page feels overwhelming.
Movement: A miscarriage is very much a physical experience and you may not feel ready to exercise right away. After a while (and after your doctor clears you), you may start craving movement. I highly encourage you to consider what type of movement feels right – maybe it’s high-intensity cardio that renews your energy, or maybe it’s something more restorative like yoga.
Get Creative: In the Youtube video I mentioned, the woman discusses how pregnancy is an act of creativity – you are literally creating life. And how after a pregnancy loss, you may have an overflow of creative energy that you aren’t sure where to redirect. I strongly encourage you to consider how you can tap into your creativity. Some ideas may be: crocheting/knitting, photography, painting or drawing, baking, cooking, writing, playing music, DIY projects, etc…
Care for Your Body: In the video, the lady mentions how she would gently rub massage oil over her belly. After my miscarriage, I tried to implement this as a daily practice before going to bed and even I tried to do this daily in the weeks after my miscarriage before going to bed and came up with an affirmation that I would say to myself when rubbing in the massage oil. Personally, I love this one. However, this doesn’t have to be massage oils. Maybe it’s taking a bath as a self-care ritual (assuming your healthcare provider OKs this), painting your nails weekly, or reading each night with a cup of calming tea.
Honor your Loss: It is important to allow yourself to grieve your miscarriage as a loss. Finding a way to honor your loss that feels right to you may help you in your grieving. This could look like making a keepsake, planting a tree or garden, writing a letter to your baby, etc..

Ways to Show Support for a Couple Navigating a Miscarriage:

Thoughtful Gift Ideas: Things that are consumable (e.g., food) or self-care items that offer comfort may make wonderful gifts to loved ones experiencing a miscarriage. Some ideas might be gift cards to restaurants that offer take-out, homemade meals, candles with a relaxing scent, flowers, comfortable pajamas or lounge sets, or a cozy blanket. Use your best judgement in buying a gift that reflects how the couple is doing and what you think they would appreciate.
Kind Words: One of the best things you can do to support a couple going through a miscarriage is reach out to offer kind words. This can be done via text, phone call or even a written note. There are no magic words you can offer the couple, but focusing on reassuring them that they are loved and supported and that you are there to listen when/if they want to talk can go a long way. Here is a great article from Parents that shares some insight into finding the right way to communicate your support. From our experience, kind words that focused on acknowledging our loss felt the most supportive rather than the sentiments that unknowingly invalidate the loss (e.g., Are you going to try again soon?).
Respect the privacy of the couple: Oftentimes in the days or weeks after a couple experiences a miscarriage, they face deciding how to communicate their pregnancy loss to others. Respecting their wishes in deciding when, how and to whom they want to share what has happened can be another way of showing them your support.
Continued Check-Ins: To many who have not experienced a miscarriage, it may seem like a very singular event. However, the truth is that depending on the miscarriage, it may be a physical loss that takes place over weeks if not months, and there are many milestones that may be mourned during what would have been the pregnancy timeline (e.g., first visit back to the OBGYN, the expected due date, etc..). These are all great times to check back in with the couple and express your continued support.
Showing Support for the Significant Other: Oftentimes the significant other of a woman experiencing a miscarriage can be overlooked during the check-ins. That is why it is incredibly important to check-in and acknowledge that they are likely having to balance a care-taker role while also navigating the loss. My husband shared with me that it always meant a lot when his friends, family, or my family reached out to him directly.